FLowing Like A River

Recently I spent a very wonderful day on The San Pedro River with a dear friend of mine. We haven't hung out together in a long time, for various reasons to detailed to go into here, and it was so wonderful to reconnect.  A perfect desert fall day-not to hot, with clear skies and a soft breeze-gave us a perfect backdrop. And, of course, it is always sweet on the river.

We bushwhacked through some weeds, after walking along an old railroad track for awhile, to find ourselves at a delicious bend in the river. The water was still burbling along clean and clear and there was a grand sand bar just inviting us to sink in, to rest our hearts here, in this spot together. We did. Pulling out snacks, taking off shoes and socks, we began the process of rediscovering a magic that is only ours together.

Six hours later we said goodbye. Our conversation, and the meeting of our hearts, had flowed like the river we sat next to-meandering, gentle, and singing a soft little tune of nourishment to our souls. The leaves in the cottonwood that shaded our little picnic fluttered in the breeze, and there was such a sense of peace that it was very hard to leave.

As I drove away from our meeting spot, leaving a trail of dust behind me, a sense of bittersweet rolled over me. I realized I live in a world where it is not acceptable to share a deep heart connection with someone who is not your "partner", or whatever you want to label that role of your primary intimate, and that in some peoples eyes our beautiful experience together on the banks of the river, on a gorgeous desert day, was "wrong". This leaves me with a heavy heart.

Being a womyn of integrity and responsibility, I know with a fierce pride and deep understanding, that I have the ability to honor necessary boundaries, and I will, as I always have in this case. But I struggle against the yearning to be authentic and honest with my desire to know this person more. He struggles with the same, which is why we haven't seen each other in a long time. It just got to hard to not be in our truth, to be imprisoned by the rules of our culture.

In my culture, in the world I want to create with those that I love, we would be encouraged and supported in our connection, and it would be honored and celebrated, not feared and condemned. Not everyone is there however, although there is quite a movement afoot to change this. This stark reality washes over me like the dust on the road behind me, leaving a dry taste in my mouth and an ache in my heart.

We made a commitment to no longer let our truth have us hide from one another, and to be authentic in our expressions with one another "out there in the world". The truth is though, that due to the rules of society and the circumstances of what is, the fullness and depth of our connection will never be realized. This is not to say that our relationship will not be deep and meaningful, for it already is. It is just to acknowledge that our hearts will be restricted, unless we are able to navigate new levels of understanding and acceptance in the world around us.

This is a tall order, and it is an item that is constantly on my agenda in various ways in my life. I believe the universe is really calling upon us at this time to seriously evaluate how we are in relationship with one another, what roles and boxes we find ourselves in that just don't fit anymore, what the rules of intimacy and connection are, and how we can evolve to a higher level of love.

For myself, I just know that I want to love with out restriction, without anyone telling me who I can love and how much. I want to celebrate those I love loving others, without us getting caught in the traps of jealousy, ownership and possession. I want to experience intimacy and connection in authentic ways, without being bound by rules of what is supposedly appropriate. I want to hug those I love long and hard, and often. And I want to follow my hearts yearnings for exploration without having to hold back.

I want to walk on the river with a dear friend hand in hand and know it is absolutely and completely OK. And when we say goodbye for the moment, I want to leave awash with joy and celebration, not bittersweet sadness.